Desperation.

I hold on so tight, sometimes so hard that my knuckles turn white and my closed eyes show an expression of desperation. It can all go away in any given moment, just like it never happened, turn sour like a packet of milk, never to be drunk again. I know this because I've been there, many times on the giving end, but only once on the receiving. There is nothing worse, standing there seconds after it happened, wondering what to do next...

But I do not dwell on these things often now a days, not like I used to. I used to completely consume myself with the idea of heart break, until it became the only thing I had. But now, I just live in a constant state of content, without manic episodes where I uproot my life and ruin everyone I know. I feel satisfied and fulfilled, calm, almost tranquil...

Nothing Special.

I laid awake last night. I laid awake thinking for two straight hours. As part of my new "get your ass out of bed in a reasonable time" philosophy I made myself go to bed way too early, and as a result I laid in bed thinking, for two straight hours.

It started simple, thoughts about the world, what a sorrowful state it is in. I thought about how there is no cure for herpes and how the medicine business would lose a lot of money if there was. Then I thought about cancer, how many job opportunities and medicine cash it produces, and then I thought that there would never be a cure for cancer. I thought about my parents and how they were way too old by the time I came into the world. Their state of minds are welded in the olden times, when you'd walk into the woods and chop down some trees, then sell it for rent and living. A time where computers where advanced calculators and the internet only a dream someone had yet to dream. I thought about how we never traveled when I was little. Once we went to a place called Lycksele, to a camping site with lots of other kids around. I remember loving it, but then I got diarrhea, sharted in my pants and no one would play with me. Then I thought about my drunken conversation with my father on Christmas eve and how it ended, he said that my sister ruined the family...

Then I fell asleep.

The Change.

I'm a bum, I think I've already made that pretty clear, but I'm a bum who doesn't make any excuses. Maybe I do sometimes, but the point I want to make is that I'm trying not to. I know it's wrong leading the life that I have, I'm so comfortable, living off others and not really trying to get my shit together. Sometimes it makes me feel less of a man, than I would if I had a job. But then again, I think I'm on to something, something big. Change is coming to me, slowly, but I can feel it. I've started to think again, evolve and read. I feel like I'm growing each day, in a way that others don't, because they go to the work they hate, watching television they didn't choose and make love to strangers just to boost their ego.

By this blog (or whatever) I'm not saying that I am better than anyone else, just different, as it should be, we're all unique bla, bla, bla.

On the other hand I'm always looking for ways to be reborn, like a spiritual cleansing kind of thing, a new me in the same skin. Truth is, you never change, you might to a certain degree or during a certain amount of time, but you always slip into the same as you were. And I hope that I'll stop trying some day, stop trying to be something that I'm clearly not, stop trying to grow up, stop trying to fit into suits, stop trying to make a mature hairdo, stop trying to convince myself that I anything but myself.

Although things change all the time, cities grow, people die and countries get raped by bigger ones. The world changes all the time, but your life span isn't long enough to see it happen. That's why it feels so futile. To wait for a murderous war to end, to wait for Marijuana to be legalized, to wait for a new world order. Not THE new world order...

But I digress, starting tomorrow I'm going to stop trying to change. (Isn't that changing per cé?)

Television.

Television is poison, it is time spent watching someone else doing something entertaining, that you will never get back. Time lying in your couch spectating other peoples lives instead of living your own. Well I've spent a great deal of time in front of a television, watching the days go by outside my living room window and at times felt that I could've been doing something more important. Quite often actually thinking about stuff I should be doing, but escaping in famous people's imaginary problems was more appealing. It's called escapism, a syndrome that is causing our modern life citizens to become dull and numb, to the fact that the world is turning in the wrong direction. No one thinks of global warming while watching cute high school girl making funnies in another teen movie, the geek isn't aware of the internet slowly being overtaken by laws and constrictions while he's meeting up with his friends in World of Warcraft and most people aren't pondering upon the possibility of a beautiful world when they are constantly being force fed bullshit from TV ads and infomercials. They will never turn their TV off, it's too easy to just continue watching...

I love TV, I love movies, series, documentaries, I love just watching episode after episode of shows like "The Wire", "Dexter" and "How I met your mother" but I do it my own way. I download everything I watch and choose when to watch it. And it's not because I'm too cheap to go out and buy the DVD's or pay my TV license, it's because I'm tired of being brainwashed and programmed by whomever has decided to air certain things and certain times. I mean, "Navy CIS" is a top rated TV show in Australia and "CSI" is beloved by the whole world, while other shows like "Six feet under" is practically unknown to most. This is because "CSI" is on every night of the week in every home in the western world, you're not given a choice of what to like, you like it because it's on. All the time.

Hollywood.

Now I know hate is a strong word, so I will refrain from using it, but one thing that I truly despise in today's modern world is the worship of Hollywood and everything that comes out of it's glorified asshole. For many reasons it makes me sick to my stomach on a daily basis, and I used to love it. I used to love reading about celebrities and their mischief, hearing about Lindsay Lohan getting busted, Brad Pitt dumping Jennifer Aniston, Robert Downey jr getting dragged to rehab etc. But now I intentionally stay clear of any gossip magazine and I try not to watch movies that are going to upset me like recently released; "Prince of Persia", a kick ass game turned into a buttery Disney goo, so sweet it makes you wanna throw up; "Robin Hood", what was wrong with the first fifteen versions of it? Just let the sleeping dog lie; "Wall Street: Money never sleeps", I mean, for fuck sake...

And don't get me wrong, I love movies, I'm a big movie buff. I grew up watching Arnold in Terminator one and two, but watching him doing the same shit twenty years later with no new ideas and without the direction of James Cameron is just painful.

More on this later, I have to gather my thoughts for a proper conclusion of my opinions.

The General Idea.

In the eyes of society I am the biggest loser there is. I'm unemployed without any valuable merits or career prospects, I live in a cabin on my parents front lawn and my favorite hobby is getting stoned and playing video games. I am what most people would consider a very dysfunctional person with no real desire to change, I'm a child trying to play grown up but I'm also an adult trying my hardest to cling to the illusion of never having to grow up. It's a never ending cycle and I justify my grand illusion every day, by feeding myself with subtle little lies, just enough to keep the candle of denial burning.

To be perfectly honest, it isn't only the eyes of society that has me pinned as a loser, it's my own opinion too and probably my girlfriend's as well. But she loves me for some weird reason...

She loves me, even though since the moment I met her I haven't shown her a single sign of wanting to change, no hint of ambition. I'm just a lazy bum who blames everyone else for the problems I'm having. If I was an employer I wouldn't hire me, I've got no qualifications, no experience, no sense of loyalty, I'm unreliable, tardy, you name it...

But on the flip side, is there a place for a shy, insecure, antisocial degenerate in society's job market? Or is he destined to live on benefits and random acts of charity for the rest of his life?

Rebirth.

Earlier this year I was sitting by a pond writing what was supposed to be the beginning of the end of my book, a travelers guide for narcissistic, insecure assholes. I was looking over the water, gently disturbed by the children playing and the ducks trying to live their lives. In that moment I had a serious realization, a revelation that was gonna change my future as well as my past. I was gonna finish something for the first time in my life. It might not have been the greatest tale ever written, but at least I did it, by myself, all the way through. And in that same moment God decided to punish me, the lord knows he has many reasons to do so, but to take away my last salvation was the cruelest joke. My laptop died never to be turned on again.

That was ten months ago and I haven't written a word since, until now. I've decided to give this writing thing another go, not really because I want to write as much as I need to write. It's as much a part of me as my will to breathe, and I do that every day without a second thought, it comes to me so naturally that if I would stop I would feel out of place. The same goes for my writing, it's not always special or unique, but the feeling I get from finishing a text is arousing in the most existential way. Like medicine without the liver damage, like amphetamine without the come down, like a joint without the paranoia. But I realize now, that I will always need another hit, another sentence, another perfect compilation of letters to make myself feel complete.